


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 480

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [25]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 21:36:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6583474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When we last left our hero the hermit, Vinto Tox had drained Obi-Wan and Mace of their Force energy and set the conditions for their enslavement.  Tox released them from the cave in order to test their loyalty to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 480

TATOOINE - Day 480:

"Do I look like a bitch?!"

What an odd question. I honestly had no idea how to answer. 

"I said, 'Do I look like a bitch?!'"

Mace was not playing, even though he was swinging Anakin's lightsaber around like a careless child. 

"Do I look like a bitch?!" Each time he asked this bizarre question he swung the blade into the sand causing me to be sprayed with tiny shards of glass. 

My hilt was still on my belt, for I had the high ground, and we all know how that goes. 

"Mace, buddy? Put the lightsaber down, ok?" I tried not to sound too pathetic, but Vinto Tox had drained me of all my Force energy, so I really didn't have much fight left in me. 

"Buddy?!" Mace raged. "Don't 'buddy' me, mother fucka! I will mess you up!"

The veins in his neck were pulsating, and I swore his one bad eye, the gross milky one, was about to burst out of his head like a squeezed pimple. 

As Mace continued to swing the saber wildly, I backed up the dune until we reached the top. Now on level ground Mace raised the lightsaber to my face. 

"Last time, Kenobi. Do I look like a bitch?"

I rested my hand on my hilt. "Well Mace, I have no idea what the hell you are even asking me, but I would wager to guess that I'm supposed to answer 'no.' So...NO, you don't look like a bitch."

"Then why you trying to pork me like one, Kenobi?!"

He raised the lightsaber and swung it down just as I was able to block it with my own. Our locked sabers gave off blinding flashes of light and were accompanied by the horrible sizzling sound that I never did get use to. 

"I could have destroyed Palpatine," Mace screamed at me, "and prevented this Empire from rising!"

Mace attacked again. I countered. We were so drained that we must have looked like two drunk jerks trying out lightsabers for the first time. Both of us could barely stand. 

"You know what stopped me from destroying the Sith Lord?" he asked, rhetorically. "Anakin Skywalker! You know, that bastard Padawan we all told you not to train?!"

Fighting Mace was exhausting, but having to listen to his bullshit was torture. I stopped restraining myself and broke through his defenses. Just missing his neck I managed to lob off about six inches of his crazy white beard and it blew across the sand like a hairball tumbleweed. 

"You've turned to the dark side, Mace. Vinto Tox has turned you into someone you weren't meant to be."

Mace chuckled evilly, "My Master saved me, while you were supposedly destroying the future Darth Vader!"

Both of us out of breath, mindlessly swung at each other. 

"Mace, when I left Anakin on Mustafar he was being burned alive, AND I had just severed all his limbs!"

"Well dumbass, I guess that wasn't good enough. Was it, Kenobi?" Mace's anger kept him going, kept him focused. "That mother scratcher destroyed my life!"

I lowered my saber hoping Mace wouldn't decide to make me become one with the Force. Catching my breath I said, "Anakin destroyed countless lives, younglings, Jedi, and the innocent. He will most likely destroy countless more."

"The Chosen One, my black ass!" Mace lowered his weapon. "That is why we need to stop them."

I looked at Mace in disbelief. "You and I aren't strong enough to take on Palpatine and Vader, especially with Tox draining us of our Force powers."

Without hesitancy Mace responded, "My Master can take them."

"Your Master?" I was beside myself. "Your Master is bantha fodder! He took advantage of you when we all thought you were dead. He's not Jedi, he's not Sith, he's nothing more than a common criminal with delusions of grandeur. He will suck you dry, Mace, and not in a good way."

"LIAR!" 

Mace tackled me to the sand. He began punching me with his handless stub. It felt like getting poked in the face with a skinless bone, and it was more gross than painful. Sand was getting in my mouth, and I had really had enough of all this nonsense. I attempted to Force push him off of me but nothing happened. I had dropped my lightsaber so I felt around for a rock to bash his insane head in with, that's when I noticed the tribe of Tuskens watching us. 

"Umm, Mace?"

Mace continued to poke at my face in the most annoying manner, as his sweat dripped into my mouth and eyes. 

"Umm, Mace?" I grabbed his stub. "We have company."

He sat up and looked around. Our groins were touching in an overly friendly manner, so I pushed him off of me. 

The Tuskens charged. 

"They think we're Tox!" I screamed to Mace as we struggled to our feet. 

Vinto Tox had received no Jedi training, and that included dueling with sabers. So that butt head took it upon himself to go out with Mace's lightsaber and kill a bunch of Tuskens for practice. Now the Tuskens saw us two idiots rolling around the sand with lightsabers and they think we're to blame. 

Against my better judgement I stood back to back with Mace as our Jedi training had instructed. We lit our sabers and waited. 

Considering how tired we were, we slaughtered a couple dozen Tusken Warriors without too much trouble. As I stepped across the blood soaked sand and over the various limbs and heads, I couldn't help but feel somewhat hopeful that even without my Force powers I could still wield a saber like a bad mofo. 

Mace and I walked the rest of the way to my hut in silence. Although he was now a brainwashed psychopath, it felt good fighting beside him again. Unfortunately, I believed that it might be our last time.


End file.
